Back in Black (and White and Red All Over)

Seriously, what the hell? It was friggin’ SNOWING this morning as I drove to work. Yeah, it’s almost April, and it’s snowing. Big wet flakes, probably went on for at least half an hour. And just a few minutes ago, we got hit with a big sideways blast of hail. And I’ve just been informed that it’s supposed to snow tonight. Should I bust out some Christmas songs? I think I still have some on my iPod….

Eccentric weather aside, it’s a typical boring-ass Friday afternoon here at work. On epic endless days like this, I find myself realizing things that normally wouldn’t occur to me. Example: I’ve worn black shirts three days out of five this week. Black polo, black button-up, and now black pullover. I have at least two other black shirts that are at least semi-work-appropriate, so I could’ve gone five for five. Damn, now I kinda wish I would have. Would they notice? They sure as hell didn’t notice early last year when I dyed my hair blonde. Seriously, how could they miss THAT? Fuckers. Yeah, okay, I get that I’m the only guy on a team of seven women. I get that the seven of them are best buddies and I’m the odd man out (literally). But Christ, a simple “hey, your hair looks different” would’ve been nice. I didn’t even need a compliment necessarily… just an acknowledgment would’ve sufficed. I swear I’m invisible around here.

Yeah, I hate my job. If I haven’t made that abundantly clear by now, there it is.

I don’t read enough. I don’t read the paper, I don’t read books. I do read stuff on the internet… does that count? I’d love to be one of those people who plows through one or two books a week, who are well-versed in multiple literary genres and are always voraciously devouring more books. I’m mean, I almost feel obligated to be that kinda guy. But damn it, I don’t wanna. I’d rather watch a movie. I will point out that my taste in films is quite eclectic and varied, and I generally don’t waste my time on the mindless dreck that comprises most modern cinema. But if you bookworms out there feel compelled to brand me a rube, so be it. Believe me, nobody knows more than I do that I probably should read more, if for no other reason than to inspire me to write more regularly.

Since my book was unceremoniously kicked out of the Amazon contest before the final rounds (just call me the William Hung of the literary world), I haven’t written a damn thing. Well, except blog entries. I haven’t touched any of the short stories I was working on. I haven’t done any further editing on my book. I haven’t even glanced at my many screenplays in development. It seems I’ve completely forsaken my writing and focused on my home theater instead….

…speaking of which, I got a Playstation 3 the other day. I ordered it on Saturday, and it arrived on Tuesday (way earlier than expected; thanks Dell!). I’d moved my existing Blu-ray player (Sony BDP-S300) from the office upstairs to the living room, so I needed something to replace it. The Playstation 3 is widely considered the best Blu-ray player currently on the market, so it made sense to go that route, even though I have zero (less than zero, actually) interest in videogames. The fact that it connects wirelessly to our network and can stream audio/video/pictures from our PCs is cool too (I haven’t even explored this yet). For my immediate purposes, it’s WAY faster than the other Blu-ray player, which typically takes a full minute or more just to load up a disc (I know, waiting one minute to watch a movie is hardly worth getting upset over; war in Iraq, starving kids in China, etc). And damn, the thing just looks sexy sitting there on my desk. Yeah, I’m really liking it. When Teresa heard about its web-browsing capabilities, and realized how cool it would be to sit on the couch and do internet stuff (with a Bluetooth keyboard), her eyes lit up. I hope she’s not expecting me put it upstairs and move the other Blu-ray player (aka the Molasses Machine) back into my office. See, that would just make me sad. The Bunny giveth… and the Bunny taketh away. Don’t make me do it, honey!

Heh, get it? Molasses Machine? ‘Cos it’s so slow! Oh man, I crack myself up.

The Hammerhead Diaries, Chapter 3

The Hammerhead Diaries
21 March 2008, 3:29 p.m.
McMenamins John Barleycorns (Tigard, OR)

Yesterday was the first day of Spring. Today brings another annual milestone: my beloved McMenamins makes available their sublime Workingman’s Red, a beer that’s only available during the Spring. I think this is the first time I’ve actually had it on "release day." I wonder if next year I’ll be camped outside the night before. Honestly, it’s delicious. And Teresa, who is most certainly not a beer lover, is quite enamored of it too. She’s probably a bit pissed that I’m enjoying it without her. I’ll also mention that this is something of a departure in these Hammerhead Diaries: this is the first time (so far) that I’ve had two glasses of the same thing. That’s right, folks: I’m already on my second glass. But I see from their handy list of Featured Ales that there are a few other items I’ve never tried, so I’ll be trying them before I’m done here.

*Sigh* I only wish that they’d bottle the Workingman’s Red and sell it year-round, like they do with their Hammerhead Ale, Sunflower IPA, Terminator Stout, and Ruby Ale. Christ, they could certainly ditch the Ruby Ale (which is clearly designed for little girls). Is that so much to ask?

I took today off (in fact, as I recall, I did the same thing almost a year ago, when I wrote the first Hammerhead Diaries entry; it’s a sad reflection of my unending laziness that this is only the third installment in eleven months). It’s Easter weekend, which means my Sunday is basically shot (going to Rainier for dinner with my parents), so the only way to attain a proper weekend is to take an extra day off. And since next week is Spring Break (which means the damn kids’ll be home), it had to be today. So here I am.

I woke up, took the kids to school, and started the laundry. See, I’m the laundry guy. I always have been. It’s a deal between Teresa and I: she cooks, and I do the laundry. So my weekends are generally filled with switching loads of clothes and folding like there’s no tomorrow. So any time I take a Friday off, I try to get a jump on the weekend laundry, and today was no exception. I got most of it done already, which should make the rest of the weekend fairly breezy. And hey, the weather’s supposed to be decent tomorrow, so maybe I’ll actually get some pre-summer hammock time in (hey, it’s Oregon; I’ll just dress warm and sway comfortably in the breeze despite the chilly early-spring air).

Anyway---- after I started the laundry, I made breakfast for myself. Three eggs, two pieces of toast, and ten slices of bacon. Yeah, ten. It was the cheap pre-cooked shit, so you’ve gotta eat a lot just to sate the bacon monkey. You know what I mean. That was about 8:30 this morning, and I haven’t eaten since. So yeah, two beers and I’m feelin’ ’em.

Next up: The Irish Stout. I know, St. Patrick’s Day is over. I still had to try it (actually, I think I DID try it, last St. Patrick’s Day, when Teresa and I spent the night at McMenamins’ Kennedy School Pub/Hotel. I dunno, it’s a pretty big blur. We drank a LOT that night). It’s, um…. Not bad, but not great. Unfortunate second cousin to the marvelous Terminator Stout.

Next up: Private IPA. What’s so private about it? I dunno… let’s find out together, shall we? Oh wait, you can’t taste it. Sucks to be you. Even at its worst (Ruby Ale, fer chrissakes), McMenamins trounces all challengers. In the vernacular of these modern times: McMenamins pawns noobs. God, I can’t believe I just typed that. Chalk it up to having three teenagers in the house, not to mention a brain that simply refuses to acknowledge that it’s approaching 40 years old. Parts of me still think they’re 17 (I’ll leave it to your imagination to decide which parts). Anyway--- the Private IPA. Oooh, not bad. Got some bite, which I like. My instinct is to compare it to their Sunflower IPA. It doesn’t win, sadly. It’s certainly not bad, but it’s nothing to get excited over.

Heh, an older lady just sat down near me, ordered a glass of water (!), then promptly moved to a different table. Apparently the sight of a mildly intoxicated fat guy typing furiously on a laptop made her uncomfortable. Oh well.

Tonight is family dinner night, and we’re going to Sushi Train. That’s right. What are YOU having? Something boring at home? You sad bastard. I’ll be cold-kickin’ it raw-fish style with my wife and shorties.

Oh look, the lady came back to the nearby table with a friend. I’m too disinterested to figure it out. I can see that they’re engaged in some inane conversation, which makes me doubly thankful that I’m wearing headphones and enjoying the new Radiohead album instead of listening to their post-menopausal nonsense. Christ, I am not a nice guy. Fuck, two more of ’em just showed up. They talk with their hands. I can’t hear them. I’m not a religious man, but THANK YOU JESUS for headphones. Oh, here comes #5. Holy hell, she’s got teeth like the Alien Queen in Aliens. And oh shit, I can hear her OVER my headphones. Why, Lord, why???

Hey, this new Radiohead album is really good. Hell, everything they do is really good.

What’s that, four beers? Can I still drive? I’ve gotta have one more. The Aces & Eights Porter sounds promising. I always like to end on a dark note. Wow, if that’s not a metaphor for my personality, I don’t know what is.

Here come the drinks at the Table of Ancient Women. Looks like two beers, a glass of wine, and a glass of water. Oh, and a toast. I wonder what they’re toasting. Botox?

Four beers in. I’m totally dissing these women. Why? Am I jealous of them? Maybe. I’m sitting here alone. Oh wait, my cell is vibrating. It’s my daughter Sierra. Oh, she wants to go see a movie with her new boyfriend tonight. Screeeeeeech! Left turn. Let’s talk about this.

I haven’t met this guy. Sierra knows that she can’t go out on dates unless I meet the guy. And she wants to go to a movie with him?

I told her yes. Hell, I even told her she could have an advance on her allowance, plus ten bucks. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it the beer(s)? I’m fiercely protective of my girls. What did I just do? I just flashed the green light at her. Christ, I’m gonna be a grandparent before I know it.

Anyway, back to the Aces & Eights Porter. Um, not bad, but not great. It’s too mild. Not very interesting. Boo, McMenamins, boo.

The party of five next door is pigging out on appetizers. They smell good. I see hummus, and what appear to be deep fried chicken bites. And fuck, this place is loud now. I’m still headphonin’, but it can’t drown out the noise. I’m lucky I scored a roomy spot when I did. As I recall, my first Hammerhead Diaries visit found me stuck at a tiny table. Hard to believe it’s almost been a year since then. How does it happen? How does time pass so quickly, so stealthily?

I’ll be 40 next year. How the fuck did this happen? Aren’t I still 17? Aren’t I still a kid?

The mirror says no. The gray hairs say no.

This must be one of the darkest moments I’ve ever endured. I’m old, and getting older. My initial impulse is to drink more, but I can’t. I’ve gotta drive home. Any more and I won’t be able to.

Top 10 Favorite Films

Okay, so here are my Top 10 Favorite Films Of All Time. Unlike the previous Top 100 list, these are actually in order of preference.

01. Vertigo (1958, Alfred Hitchcock)
02. Portrait of Jennie (1948, William Dieterle)
03. The Seventh Seal (Det Sjunde Inseglet) (1957, Ingmar Bergman)
04. Orphee (Orpheus) (1950, Jean Cocteau)
05. Notorious (1946, Alfred Hitchcock)
06. The Third Man (1949, Carol Reed)
07. Rashomon (1950, Akira Kurosawa)
08. Blade Runner (1982, Ridley Scott)
09. Fantasia (1940, Walt Disney, various directors)
10. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1980, Irvin Kershner)

Top 100 Favorite Films....

Okay, this was tough. I love so many films. How could I possibly settle on a mere 100 to call my favorites? And since I’m assembling this list from memory, how accurate could it possibly be? Yeah, this was tough. I’ve agonized over this all day, pouring over my DVD Profiler database and imdb.com, and I can (cautiously) say that, as of right now (3/18/2008, 3:10 p.m.), these are my top 100 favorite films of all time. But I also acknowledge that this list is by no means definitive. I’ll undoubtedly fall in love with new movies as well as previously undiscovered classics in the months and years to come. The next time I do this (maybe in five years), I imagine the list will look very different.

I tried to be brutally honest, including guilty pleasures (Better Off Dead, Happy Gilmore, Sixteen Candles) but ignoring undeniable masterpieces that I respect but don’t love (8 ½, Lawrence of Arabia, The Godfather). And I should mention the Five Year Rule: movies less than five years old were not allowed on the list, since my opinions of them may very well change over time (if I still love a film after five years, then it has officially proven its staying power; however, let me tell ya, it just about killed me leaving Good Night and Good Luck and Pan’s Labyrinth off the list).

The films are in alphabetical order, NOT in order of preference....

12 Angry Men (1957, Sidney Lumet)
12 Monkeys (1995, Terry Gilliam)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968, Stanley Kubrick)
A.I. (Artificial Intelligence) (2001, Steven Spielberg)
Abyss, The (1989, James Cameron)
Alien (1979, Ridley Scott)
Anatomy of a Murder (1959, Otto Preminger)
Angel Face (1952, Otto Preminger)
Bambi (1942, Walt Disney, David Hand)
Beauty and the Beast (La Belle et la Bête) (1946, Jean Cocteau)
Better Off Dead (1985, Savage Steve Holland)
Blade Runner (1982, Ridley Scott)
Blow Out (1981, Brian De Palma)
Bride of Frankenstein, The (1935, James Whale)
Cape Fear (1962, J. Lee Thompson)
Carnival of Souls (1962, Herk Harvey)
Casablanca (1942, Michael Curtiz)
Christmas Story, A (1983, Bob Clark)
Citizen Kane (1941, Orson Welles)
Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977, Steven Spielberg)
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (Wo Hu Cang Long )(2000, Ang Lee)
Dark City (1998, Alex Proyas)
Dark Passage (1947, Delmer Daves)
Day the Earth Stood Still, The (1951, Robert Wise)
Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid (1982, Carl Reiner)
Die Hard (1988, John McTiernan)
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988, Frank Oz)
Dogma (1999, Kevin Smith)
Double Indemnity (1944, Billy Wilder)
Eyes Wide Shut (1999, Stanley Kubrick)
Face/Off (1997, John Woo)
Fantasia (1940, Walt Disney, various directors)
Fight Club (1999, David Fincher)
Gattaca (1997, Andrew Niccol)
Happy Gilmore (1996, Dennis Dugan)
Hardware (1990, Richard Stanley)
Hero (Ying Xiong) (2002, Yimou Zhang)
High Fidelity (2000, Stephen Frears)
Hiroshima Mon Amour (1959, Alain Resnais)
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956, Don Siegel)
It’s a Wonderful Life (1946, Frank Capra)
Jacob’s Ladder (1990, Adrian Lyne)
Jane Eyre (1944, Robert Stevenson)
Jaws (1975, Steven Spielberg)
Jerry Maguire (1996, Cameron Crowe)
Kill Bill, vol. 1 (2003, Quentin Tarantino)
Kiss Me Deadly (1955, Robert Aldrich)
L.A. Confidential (1997, Curtis Hanson)
Laura (1944, Otto Preminger)
Lost Weekend, The (1945, Billy Wilder)
Manchurian Candidate, The (1962, John Frankenheimer)
Matrix, The (1999, Andy and Larry Wachowski)
Memento (2000, Christopher Nolan)
Minority Report (2002, Steven Spielberg)
Murder, My Sweet (1944, Edward Dmytryk)
Naked Lunch (1991, David Cronenberg)
Night of the Living Dead (1968, George A. Romero)
Notorious (1946, Alfred Hitchcock)
Office Space (1999, Mike Judge)
On Dangerous Ground (1952, Nicholas Ray)
Orpheus (Orphée) (1950, Jean Cocteau)
Persona (1966, Ingmar Bergman)
Pi (1998, Darren Aronofsky)
Planet of the Apes (1968, Franklin J. Schaffner)
Portrait of Jennie (1948, William Dieterle)
Psycho (1960, Alfred Hitchcock)
Pulp Fiction (1994, Quentin Tarantino)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981, Steven Spielberg)
Raising Arizona (1987, Joel and Ethan Coen)
Rashômon (1950, Akira Kurosawa)
Reservoir Dogs (1992, Quentin Tarantino)
Say Anything (1989, Cameron Crowe)
Se7en (1995, David Fincher)
Shadow of a Doubt (1943, Alfred Hitchcock)
Shawshank Redemption, The (1994, Frank Darabont)
Shining, The (1980, Stanley Kubrick)
Silence of the Lambs, The (1991, Jonathan Demme)
Sixteen Candles (1984, John Hughes)
The Seventh Seal (Sjunde Inseglet, Det) (1957, Ingmar Bergman)
Snatch (2000, Guy Ritchie)
So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993, Thomas Schlamme)
Solaris (2002, Steven Soderbergh)
Spellbound (1945, Alfred Hitchcock)
Star Wars (1977, George Lucas)
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1980, Irvin Kershner)
Starship Troopers (1997, Paul Verhoeven)
Strangers on a Train (1951, Alfred Hitchcock)
Swingers (1996, Doug Liman)
Talented Mr. Ripley, The (1999, Anthony Minghella)
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991, James Cameron)
Third Man, The (1949, Carol Reed)
Throne of Blood (Kumonosu Jô) (1957, Akira Kurosawa)
Tingler, The (1959, William Castle)
To Kill a Mockingbird (1962, Robert Mulligan)
Touch of Evil (1958, Orson Welles)
Vanilla Sky (2001, Cameron Crowe)
Vertigo (1958, Alfred Hitchcock)
Virgin Spring, The (Jungfrukällan) (1960, Ingmar Bergman)
Wings of Desire (Himmel über Berlin, Der) (1987, Wim Wenders)
Wild Things (1998, John McNaughton)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (less than five years old)….

Batman Begins (2005, Christopher Nolan)
Fountain, The (2006, Darren Aronofsky)
Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005, George Clooney)
House of Flying Daggers (Shi Mian Mai Fu) (2004, Yimou Zhang)
Kill Bill, vol. 2 (2004, Quentin Tarantino)
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005, Shane Black)
Michael Clayton (2007, Tony Gilroy)
Pan’s Labyrinth (El Laberinto del Fauno) (2006, Guillermo Del Toro)