The KFC Rumination

I love KFC. Always have, and probably always will. The Colonel’s Original Recipe, whatever the hell it is, never fails to delight and amaze me. I want it, and at times, I even need it. To illustrate my point, I cite the following passage from the brilliantly hilarious So I Married An Axe Murderer:

CHARLIE:
Dad, how can you hate The Colonel?

CHARLIE's DAD:
Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly, smartass!

My earliest memories of KFC involve summer family reunions, in which someone would invariably take the lazy route and bring a bucket of chicken. I never minded; in fact, I greatly preferred it over many of the dishes available (three-bean casserole, which I loathe, along with predictable standbys like jello salad and baked beans). I also have an early memory of going to KFC with my grandparents: we had just sat down with our food, and my grandma had forgotten to get some honey for her biscuit. I jumped up and went to the counter, eager to assist, only to be brusquely informed that honey packets were ten cents each. I returned to the table and relayed the information. My grandma looked a bit dismayed, and then replied, “Oh, I don’t need it that much.” It didn’t occur to me until many years later just how limited their income actually was, and that even a dime might have caused them a financial twinge. Funny how oblivious kids can be.

Anyway (sorry for that sad little memory)… a few years ago, I told my wife that, if KFC ever offered a boneless version of their Original Recipe chicken, I’d basically live there. I’m sure she didn’t take me seriously (she rarely does).

And then it happened a few months ago: KFC added boneless chicken strips to their menu…. Original Recipe style.

Holy shit. Could it be? I saw the commercial one evening, and the very next day I set out to get my hands on some. And I did. And…. and….

Well, it wasn’t that great, truth be told. Oh, that unmistakable Original Recipe flavor was there, but it didn’t work for me in that context. I dunno, there was just something missing. Plus, the strips themselves were skinny and kinda dry. Disappointing.

Fast forward to today. I was in court all morning, on my way back to the office, and saw the KFC/A&W sign looming before me. I thought about those chicken strips, and decided to give them another try. Which I did.

Same thing. The flavor is there, but the strips are flat and skinny and the meat is dry. The dipping sauces don’t really help; in fact, they detract from that wonderful Original Recipe flavor. So… still a disappointment. But you know what? I think I’ve figured out a solution.

Whenever I eat KFC, I have the same thing: Original Recipe chicken breast and mashed potatoes with gravy. That’s all I need. I eat the chicken skin, that crispy salty manna from poultry heaven, then dip chunks of the meat into the gravy. And therein lies the answer.

It’s the damn gravy, folks. KFC needs to offer their fabulous gravy as a dipping sauce for these chicken strips. If they do that… well honey, I’m gonna live there. You’ve been forewarned.