Foods I Miss...

Since it seems I'm only blogging about food and drink these days, I'll keep it going with a meditation on foods that once brightened my life, but are now conspicuously absent. These are items that are no longer available, either through discontinuation or other unfortunate means.

The McDLT (McDonalds)

Remember this? It came in a dual-compartment Styrofoam container, designed to "keep the hot side hot and the cold side cold." I loved it, both the concept and the taste. It was refreshingly different from the other McStandbys, the Big Mac and the Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Honestly, it was too damned good for a lowbrow joint like McD's. The McDLT (which stood for McDonalds Lettuce and Tomato) was a casualty of society's move away from Styrofoam, so it was discontinued after a few short years (I think it vanished around 1989 or so). They currently offer something called a Big 'n Tasty, which is an approximation of the McDLT, but it doesn't come close (and it doesn't come in two separate halves). I'll occasionally get one when I'm feeling particularly nostalgic for the McDLT, but I'm always left disappointed.

Twigs snack crackers (Nabisco)

When I was a kid, Chicken in a Biskit crackers were the absolute shit. I could eat a whole box in one sitting (which I did once, which pissed my dad off). As I became an adult, my taste matured (well, sorta), and I discovered the glory of Twigs, which were basically cheese-flavored sesame sticks. Perfect for straight up snacking or dipping… oh so good. Well, the fuckholes over at Nabisco apparently decided that they needed shelf space for yet another flavor of Wheat Thins, so they stopped making them about two years ago. I remember it was a gradual thing: for a while I could find them at some stores but not others. I finally asked a Nabisco rep about it, and was horrified to hear that they'd been permanently pulled due to "low sales." Fuck, if I'd known that, I'd have bought WAY more to keep 'em alive. I still miss them. In fact, we made some Knorr vegetable dip at home recently, which was the PERFECT dip for Twigs, and I felt the loss all over again. A lot of times a product can get discontinued, but it's easy to find something to replace it. There's NOTHING out there like Twigs, or I'd be fucking eating them right now. Fuckin' Nabisco.

Fruit and Cream Twinkies (Hostess)

I'm not real big on sweets, but I loved these. Essentially it was a Twinkie with strawberry jelly mixed in with the cream filling. Gooey and moist, melt-in-your-mouth goodness. They were only around for a couple of years, as I recall, back in the late 80's. I have no idea why Hostess stopped making them. For that matter, whatever happened to Chocodiles.? Further, I haven't seen a Suzy-Q in a while… what the fuck, Hostess????

*I couldn't even find a picture, so I had to use a shot of regular
Twinkies. Fuck!

While all of these things are sad (at least to me), this next and final item is by far the saddest, because the unavailability of the item pales in comparison to the reason it's unavailable. The item is…. My gramma's pancakes. My gramma Joyce made the best pancakes ever. I couldn't even begin to guess what made them so good, but they were awesome. I've had many pancakes over the years, but none have even come close. She died… wow, I guess almost 17 years ago. I still miss her pancakes, but God knows I miss her even more. She was an amazing lady; infinitely kind, eternally patient, and perpetually sweet… the ultimate gramma. She died before my kids were born, so they never had the opportunity to know her, which still saddens me to this day. I'm not a religious man, and I certainly don't believe in any fundamentalist afterlife; however, she's the one person who even comes close to making me reconsider, because nobody could possibly deserve heaven more. I miss you, Gramma.

* Joyce Elaine Carr, died 6/01/1991, age 61.

Culinary Curiosities

I think I'm subconsciously trying to kill myself. Seriously, the abuse my body has suffered because of all the shit I eat (and drink) is just staggering. Honestly, why am I even still alive? The husband of a coworker of mine had a mild heart attack earlier this week. He's the same age as me. While this unfortunate event is certainly nothing near a "wake-up call" for me, it's certainly got me thinking.

On that note, let's have a look at some of the questionable things I've been consuming lately…

First up: Chelada, a joint venture between Budweiser and Clamato. I love Clamato, but Holy Mother Mary do I hate Budweiser. Teresa found it and brought it home, so of course I drank it (Christ, what WON'T I drink?). It, um, wasn't very good. However, the concept was intriguing enough for me to experiment with my own version: Clamato, Smithwick's Irish Ale, lime juice, and celery salt. Much, much better…. but still not great. I'm not really a fan of the whole "red beer" thing to begin with, so I guess this kinda thing just ain't for me. And no, I didn't go near the Bud Light version. Christ.

Okay, what the fuck? Burger King makes potato chips now? I spotted these at Plaid Pantry, so I had to get a bag. Let me clarify that they aren't actually potato CHIPS, but rather potato CRISPS (like Pringles). I went with the Flame Broiled variety (how exactly is "Flame Broiled" a flavor? I don't get it), and they tasted like ass: hairy, pimply, sweaty ass. Ugh. I'd rather chew on a turtle's wrinkly nutsack then eat these again. I didn't try the Ketchup and Fries flavor, and I have no plans to. BK is good for Whoppers and Chicken Fries, and that's about it. These things suck.

Okay, this is more like it. Two weekends ago my friend Donovan and I headed over to Giant Drive-In Burger in Lake Oswego for some lunch. It's called "Giant" for a reason… their legendary Filler Burger is a monster, dripping with grease and chock full o' goodies like bacon, ham, a fried egg, pickle spears (not slices), and just about anything else you can imagine. It's crazy huge, crazy messy, and it's fucking delicious. I can't recommend this place enough. Oh, and their corndogs are good too.

Stumptown Lunch Review: Giant Drive-In

As we trudged our way through these beautiful artery-clogging beasts, Donovan reminded me of a Carl's Jr. excursion from a couple of years back, in which we enjoyed their chili-cheese burgers and chili cheese fries (one of their "limited-time only" offerings). I lamented the fact that they weren't currently available….

Carl's Jr. must've heard us talking, because the chili-cheese goodness has returned! I saw a commercial on TV a few nights ago and practically leapt up from the couch with glee. I subsequently enjoyed a hearty breakfast of chili-cheese fries just yesterday here at work, rousing the attention of several coworkers. Who wouldn't covet such gooey goodness so early in the morning? They can keep their Starbucks and effete pastries. I'll stick with my man food, even if it kills me.

Will it really kill me? Let's be honest: I don't take care of myself at all. I did give up caffeine last year, and I do drink a fair amount of water every day, but that's about it. I have to wonder which will win the race to claim my life: my heart, or my liver. But then again, I underwent some fairly extensive medical poking and prodding about a year ago, and they looked pretty critically at my heart (my family history is riddled with both heart disease and diabetes), and I was given an essentially clean bill of health… which is just ridiculous, when you consider all the shit I eat. I'm a fatty, there's no doubt about it, but I'm apparently a semi-healthy fatty. However, even an idiot like me understands that the older I get, the less forgiving my body will be. I'm certainly on the path to grave consequences, but where on the path am I? Ah yes, grasshopper, that is the question. Is my inevitable heart attack five years down the road? Ten? Twenty?

What if I start being a little more careful? Nothing dramatic, nothing crazy. I'm not talking about going organic, or doing yoga, or whatever. But what if I cut out some of the really bad stuff (fast food, for example)? I'd probably prolong my life. In fact, I may have already started: my latest food obsession is (drum roll please)….

That's right, the Mack Dizzle has discovered the glories of sushi. I've gotta say, I never liked it before. While I've always thought it was beautiful to behold, it always sounded… well, gross. I tried some at a potluck here at work a couple of months ago, and actually enjoyed it. I had some more last weekend, and something clicked. I really liked it. I had some for lunch on Tuesday, and loved it. So now I'm a sushi lover. See? You CAN teach old dogs new tricks. And hell, sushi is WAY healthier than chili-cheese fries and Giant burgers. I'm not saying goodbye to those things completely, but I'll (hopefully) eat less of them in the future. I do, after all, have several reasons to live a long life.

Never Again...

This should have been a happy blog entry. This should have been an enthusiastic and glowing extolling of a newfound alcoholic love. It's not. It's a dizzy, fuzzy, uncomfortable morning-after blog entry. That's right, I'm hung over, and not just your standard 'I had a few too many and now I'm paying the price' hangover. Folks, I am FUCKING HUNG OVER. My head feels like a concrete watermelon. My stomach feels like a bloated pin cushion stuffed with gravel. I can't walk straight, and if I close my eyes I can see Technicolor rainbows swirling around like electric eels mating.

The culprit? Why, the ever-popular dirty martini.

Let me back up. A couple weeks back, Teresa and I went out for dinner and drinks at Hayden's Bar and Grill here in Tualatin. I've always wanted to explore the martini (I'd only had ONE before, on my 30^th birthday, and didn't like it), because hey, it's a cool drink. You can't be a wannabe secret agent if you don't do martinis. So yeah, I decided it was time to take the plunge. I had three dirty martinis that night with dinner and quite enjoyed them.

Fast forward to yesterday (Tuesday, 2/26)… I was twiddling my thumbs at work, bored as usual, and I got to thinking about those delightful dirty martinis. I hit the liquor store on my lunch hour and picked up some vodka, vermouth, and olive juice. When I got home after work, I immediately started mixing 'em up.

Everything got blurry pretty fast. Martinis, dirty or otherwise, are basically ALL alcohol; plus I didn't eat any dinner. By about 9:00 I was completely shit-faced and throwing up. I think I had eight dirty martinis total, but it may have been more (the vodka bottle, which was brand new when I started, was about 2/3rds empty afterwards).

And here we are… the morning after. I feel like hell. Jesus, "hell" doesn't even describe it. I actually think I'm still somewhat drunk. And I'll tell ya, I've NEVER gotten sick on vodka before. In fact, I've always called vodka my "happy drink" because I've always been able to drink a lot of it with no ill effects. Well, so much for that.

This just fucking sucks, because I love the concept of the dirty martini. I wanna be cool like dat, ya know? I don't want it to end this way. But the mere thought of having one at this point makes me nauseous. God, just the sight of the bottles (still sitting on the kitchen counter this morning) was sickening.

I'll probably feel differently in a few days, but for right now, I'm saying NEVER AGAIN. I'm getting too old for this shit.

Meaty, Chewy Goodness!

I love teriyaki beef jerky. Oh yes I do. Trouble is, most of the jerky out there sucks. Seriously, it tastes like Uncle Harry's ass *. However, as with any addiction, you'll settle for the nasty shit if necessary, and believe me, I need teriyaki jerky like a junkie needs heroin. Hence, I've suffered through more than my share of shitty jerky. In a particularly low moment a few years ago, I actually bought the K-mart store brand… and yes, it was truly awful.

The addiction started when I was a kid, probably no older than 8 or 9. I lived in Aloha, and I used to ride my bike to a tiny li'l place called Cook's Market to buy Star Wars trading cards (the store was a mile or two away, but back then a kid could just sorta come and go like that, without any adult supervision). They had a big jar at the checkout counter of these little flat brown discs, allegedly made of beef. They were 4 for a buck, so I bought one. It was dry, tough, and salty… just what a growing boy needed! I was instantly hooked.

Some years later, they (whoever "they" were) introduced "jerky chew," which was basically shredded beef jerky in a round plastic container. You were supposed to pinch a chunk and stuff it into your lower lip and suck on it…. basically like chewing tobacco, but with meat. Lame concept, but I totally jumped on it anyway. The benefit here was that you didn't need to floss afterwards (and hey, who doesn't want to floss less?).

In the ensuing years I've tried many different jerkys (jerkies?). Some have been decent. A couple have been great. Most, sadly, have been an insult to any self-respecting jerky connoisseur. I discovered that the best route was unfortunately the most expensive: Ye Olde Butcher. That's right, folks, most meat markets sell jerky that's actually freshly made, requiring refrigeration and everything. But it costs a LOT more than the jerky you'll find in the grocery stores. And sadly, I usually couldn't (still can't) afford such luxuries.

About a year or so ago I noticed a new jerky on the supermarket racks: Jack Link's. It looked decent enough, and it was on sale, so I grabbed a bag. And let me tell ya, it was YUMMO **. Chewy but not hard, nice meaty chunks, and the marinade was excellent. So there you go, problem solved. It wasn't very easy to find at first, but nowadays it can be found in almost any store. And while I generally stick to Teriyaki, there are a lot of choices: Regular, Peppered, A-1 (yeah, the steak sauce), Carne Asada, Turkey, Ham (!), and some others that escape me at the moment. Lots and lots o' choices. For me, it's almost always Teriyaki. Occasionally I go with the Peppered. If I'm feeling adventurous, I'll mix the two. Turns out Pepper and Teriyaki go well together. And yes, if you're wondering, Jack Link's also sells jerky chew!

Jack Link's also has a hilarious series of "Messin' with Sasquatch" TV commercials, in which a group of dumbass guys pull pranks on Bigfoot. Bigfoot always gets his revenge. I haven't seen any for a while, thought, but there's still a website up:

messinwithsasquatch.com

Funny little side story: our cat Misha LOVES Jack Link's Teriyaki Jerky. He won't eat any other kind. So whenever I get a bag, I've gotta share it. The mongrel Bijou will eat it too, but that dog will eat anything, so it's not as funny. Seriously, I could be putting lotion on my elbows and she'd beg for a bite. Crazy bitch.

* I don't have an Uncle Harry, and even if I did, I wouldn't know what his ass tastes like. Christ, even a depraved motherfucker like me has limits.

** Yeah, I know, I totally pulled a Rachel Ray there. In all seriousness, I don't normally use the word "Yummo" in conversation, in writing, inside my head, or anywhere else. I don't advocate its use. It's not a real word, for God's sake.

An Old Love Rediscovered...

Honey, it's not what you think! Honestly, I'm not hooking up with an ex-girlfriend. Put down that rolling pin and let me explain….

Five words: Mystery Science Theater 3000. Wait, that's four words. Okay, then: Mystery Science Fucking Theater 3000.

For those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about, Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) was a TV show in the 90's, first on Comedy Central and later on The Sci-Fi Channel. The premise was simple: a guy and his two robot friends are stranded on a satellite and forced to watch cheesy Z-grade movies. So you would basically watch them watch the movies (their silhouettes were seen at the bottom of the screen; as if you were sitting in a theater and they were down in the front row). As the movie played, they'd make snide comments and throw out random pop culture references. Pure hilarity. I think I enjoyed the show so much because I used to do exactly the same thing: make sarcastic comments about whatever I was watching (I still do it, actually). It hasn't been shown for years (as far as I know), so it kinda dropped off my radar.

As fate would have it, I was on YouTube yesterday, and stumbled across a selection of episodes. I clicked on one and, for the next fifteen minutes, found myself right back in 1995. Absolute hysterical bliss. I did some internet research, and discovered that several episodes have been released on DVD. Several more (hell, probably all of 'em) can be downloaded via Pirate Bay or Bittorrent or whatever (I'll have to look into this). Netflix has a bunch of 'em, so I loaded up my queue. It's safe to say I've got a new OCD obsession….

On the subject of old loves, I was delighted to learn that McDonalds now has DOUBLE Filet-O-Fishes (or is it Filets-O-Fish?). I generally find McDonalds to be pretty vile, but I've always harbored a love for the glorious Filet (and frankly, no other fast food joint has a decent fish sandwich, in my opinion). I grabbed a Double FOF for lunch today, and you know what? It tastes just like a single, only… well, there's more of it. Which is juuuuuuuuuust peachy. More of a good thing.

You know, I think I'll grab a couple Double FOFs this weekend and watch me a few MST3Ks. Ah, heaven.