Culinary Curiosities

I think I'm subconsciously trying to kill myself. Seriously, the abuse my body has suffered because of all the shit I eat (and drink) is just staggering. Honestly, why am I even still alive? The husband of a coworker of mine had a mild heart attack earlier this week. He's the same age as me. While this unfortunate event is certainly nothing near a "wake-up call" for me, it's certainly got me thinking.

On that note, let's have a look at some of the questionable things I've been consuming lately…

First up: Chelada, a joint venture between Budweiser and Clamato. I love Clamato, but Holy Mother Mary do I hate Budweiser. Teresa found it and brought it home, so of course I drank it (Christ, what WON'T I drink?). It, um, wasn't very good. However, the concept was intriguing enough for me to experiment with my own version: Clamato, Smithwick's Irish Ale, lime juice, and celery salt. Much, much better…. but still not great. I'm not really a fan of the whole "red beer" thing to begin with, so I guess this kinda thing just ain't for me. And no, I didn't go near the Bud Light version. Christ.

Okay, what the fuck? Burger King makes potato chips now? I spotted these at Plaid Pantry, so I had to get a bag. Let me clarify that they aren't actually potato CHIPS, but rather potato CRISPS (like Pringles). I went with the Flame Broiled variety (how exactly is "Flame Broiled" a flavor? I don't get it), and they tasted like ass: hairy, pimply, sweaty ass. Ugh. I'd rather chew on a turtle's wrinkly nutsack then eat these again. I didn't try the Ketchup and Fries flavor, and I have no plans to. BK is good for Whoppers and Chicken Fries, and that's about it. These things suck.

Okay, this is more like it. Two weekends ago my friend Donovan and I headed over to Giant Drive-In Burger in Lake Oswego for some lunch. It's called "Giant" for a reason… their legendary Filler Burger is a monster, dripping with grease and chock full o' goodies like bacon, ham, a fried egg, pickle spears (not slices), and just about anything else you can imagine. It's crazy huge, crazy messy, and it's fucking delicious. I can't recommend this place enough. Oh, and their corndogs are good too.

Stumptown Lunch Review: Giant Drive-In

As we trudged our way through these beautiful artery-clogging beasts, Donovan reminded me of a Carl's Jr. excursion from a couple of years back, in which we enjoyed their chili-cheese burgers and chili cheese fries (one of their "limited-time only" offerings). I lamented the fact that they weren't currently available….

Carl's Jr. must've heard us talking, because the chili-cheese goodness has returned! I saw a commercial on TV a few nights ago and practically leapt up from the couch with glee. I subsequently enjoyed a hearty breakfast of chili-cheese fries just yesterday here at work, rousing the attention of several coworkers. Who wouldn't covet such gooey goodness so early in the morning? They can keep their Starbucks and effete pastries. I'll stick with my man food, even if it kills me.

Will it really kill me? Let's be honest: I don't take care of myself at all. I did give up caffeine last year, and I do drink a fair amount of water every day, but that's about it. I have to wonder which will win the race to claim my life: my heart, or my liver. But then again, I underwent some fairly extensive medical poking and prodding about a year ago, and they looked pretty critically at my heart (my family history is riddled with both heart disease and diabetes), and I was given an essentially clean bill of health… which is just ridiculous, when you consider all the shit I eat. I'm a fatty, there's no doubt about it, but I'm apparently a semi-healthy fatty. However, even an idiot like me understands that the older I get, the less forgiving my body will be. I'm certainly on the path to grave consequences, but where on the path am I? Ah yes, grasshopper, that is the question. Is my inevitable heart attack five years down the road? Ten? Twenty?

What if I start being a little more careful? Nothing dramatic, nothing crazy. I'm not talking about going organic, or doing yoga, or whatever. But what if I cut out some of the really bad stuff (fast food, for example)? I'd probably prolong my life. In fact, I may have already started: my latest food obsession is (drum roll please)….

That's right, the Mack Dizzle has discovered the glories of sushi. I've gotta say, I never liked it before. While I've always thought it was beautiful to behold, it always sounded… well, gross. I tried some at a potluck here at work a couple of months ago, and actually enjoyed it. I had some more last weekend, and something clicked. I really liked it. I had some for lunch on Tuesday, and loved it. So now I'm a sushi lover. See? You CAN teach old dogs new tricks. And hell, sushi is WAY healthier than chili-cheese fries and Giant burgers. I'm not saying goodbye to those things completely, but I'll (hopefully) eat less of them in the future. I do, after all, have several reasons to live a long life.