I love teriyaki beef jerky. Oh yes I do. Trouble is, most of the jerky out there sucks. Seriously, it tastes like Uncle Harry's ass *. However, as with any addiction, you'll settle for the nasty shit if necessary, and believe me, I need teriyaki jerky like a junkie needs heroin. Hence, I've suffered through more than my share of shitty jerky. In a particularly low moment a few years ago, I actually bought the K-mart store brand… and yes, it was truly awful.
The addiction started when I was a kid, probably no older than 8 or 9. I lived in Aloha, and I used to ride my bike to a tiny li'l place called Cook's Market to buy Star Wars trading cards (the store was a mile or two away, but back then a kid could just sorta come and go like that, without any adult supervision). They had a big jar at the checkout counter of these little flat brown discs, allegedly made of beef. They were 4 for a buck, so I bought one. It was dry, tough, and salty… just what a growing boy needed! I was instantly hooked.
Some years later, they (whoever "they" were) introduced "jerky chew," which was basically shredded beef jerky in a round plastic container. You were supposed to pinch a chunk and stuff it into your lower lip and suck on it…. basically like chewing tobacco, but with meat. Lame concept, but I totally jumped on it anyway. The benefit here was that you didn't need to floss afterwards (and hey, who doesn't want to floss less?).
In the ensuing years I've tried many different jerkys (jerkies?). Some have been decent. A couple have been great. Most, sadly, have been an insult to any self-respecting jerky connoisseur. I discovered that the best route was unfortunately the most expensive: Ye Olde Butcher. That's right, folks, most meat markets sell jerky that's actually freshly made, requiring refrigeration and everything. But it costs a
About a year or so ago I noticed a new jerky on the supermarket racks: Jack Link's. It looked decent enough, and it was on sale, so I grabbed a bag. And let me tell ya, it was YUMMO **. Chewy but not hard, nice meaty chunks, and the marinade was excellent. So there you go, problem solved. It wasn't very easy to find at first, but nowadays it can be found in almost any store. And while I generally stick to Teriyaki, there are a lot of choices: Regular, Peppered, A-1 (yeah, the steak sauce),
Jack Link's also has a hilarious series of "Messin' with Sasquatch" TV commercials, in which a group of dumbass guys pull pranks on Bigfoot. Bigfoot always gets his revenge. I haven't seen any for a while, thought, but there's still a website up:
Funny little side story: our cat Misha LOVES Jack Link's Teriyaki Jerky. He won't eat any other kind. So whenever I get a bag, I've gotta share it. The mongrel Bijou will eat it too, but that dog will eat anything, so it's not as funny. Seriously, I could be putting lotion on my elbows and she'd beg for a bite. Crazy bitch.
* I don't have an Uncle Harry, and even if I did, I wouldn't know what his ass tastes like. Christ, even a depraved motherfucker like me has limits.
** Yeah, I know, I totally pulled a Rachel Ray there. In all seriousness, I don't normally use the word "Yummo" in conversation, in writing, inside my head, or anywhere else. I don't advocate its use. It's not a real word, for God's sake.
No comments:
Post a Comment