It ain’t always good.
Case in point: Panda Buffet on SE McLoughlin in Milwaukie. It used to be the Apple Peddler years ago, which was actually a pretty decent place to get breakfast (in fact, we went there on Christmas morning in 1994). Anyway, I was driving around today on my lunch hour looking for a pawn shop (I’ve gotta find a cheap used cell phone for Isaac, since he magically kills every cell phone he touches; he’s been through four or five of them in the past year). I didn’t find a pawn shop (which is odd, since I remember Milwaukie being full of them), but I did find Panda Buffet, which offers buffet-style food with a to-go option.
“Chinese food by the pound?” I exclaimed. “Hell, count me in!”
$2.50 per pound was the going rate, so I stuffed a little over two pounds of food into my Styrofoam container. My selections were: Mandarin chicken, General Tso chicken, deep fried chicken chunks (basically sweet and sour chicken, minus the sweet and sour sauce), one egg roll, two pot stickers, teriyaki chicken, fried rice, and chow mien. Oh, and some barbecue pork. They did have hot and sour soup, but there were no to-go containers in sight. A minor setback, but oh well. I was still gonna eat like a king.
As I drove back to work, my mouth watered with anticipation. I could smell it, sitting there on the passenger seat, promising deliciousness.
Looks good, doesn’t it? Well, guess what? It sucked. Not just certain items…. All of it. ALL OF IT. There wasn’t one thing that didn’t taste like ass. It astounds me that every single item could be this bad. Wouldn’t the odds dictate that at least ONE thing would be good, or at least passable? This, uh, place (I hesitate to call it a “restaurant”) has somehow managed to buck the odds and provide 100% absolute and unequivocal suckiness. In a twisted way, it’s kinda impressive, like scoring a perfect zero on your SATs.
I’ve had lots of Chinese food over the years, from lots of different places. At worst, I’ve had “okay” Chinese food. Most of it has been decent, and sometimes it’s been great (Wu’s Open Kitchen in Lake Grove and Wong’s in Tualatin are generally excellent. Oh, and P.F. Chang’s, while not traditional Chinese, is awe-inspiring). This is the first time I’ve ever had truly awful Chinese food. I imagine nations have gone to war over smaller insults than the one this place is perpetrating against the ancient and noble China. Needless to say, I won’t be back. I’m actually hoping the place gets struck by lightning and burns to the ground.
Their menu promises “No Waiting.” Gee, I wonder why?
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